def:: a character trait marked by an intense desire and excessive worry about living life the “right” way, often accompanied by a preoccupation with external accomplishments
Perfectionists:
- tend to be inflexible in internal and external experiences - thoughts, emotions, behaviors
- have fixed expectations that might be challenging or impossible to attain
- can be critical in their self-assessment and judgments of others
- experience emotions of shame, guilt, anxiety or anger due to a deep-rooted belief of not being “enough”
- experience issues in functioning and feeling overwhelmed or paralyzed by self-imposed demands and pressure to prove themselves and others that they are worthy
Fundamental elements of perfectionism: control, self-worth, and the need for connection
Control
- Rigidity and need for control seen in cognitions, emotions and behaviors
- A focus on living life the “right” way
- When unmet, perfectionists experience difficult emotions like anxiety
- Perfectionism allows us to develop a false sense of control in the world
Cognitive distortions related to control
- “should” statements - I shouldn’t have… I should do… other people should… “Must,” “could,” “ought” and “have to” also follow this distortion. They direct a life governed by rules and high standards of living. Breaking these rules results in criticism (of the self or of others), frustration, and anger.
- black-and-white thinking - I need to say all the right things. I am a bad person. You were wrong. The idea is that if I live my life the “right” way, I can protect myself because I have the control. Besides similar anxiety and anger from violating this rule, this distortion creates a sense of righteousness.
- labelling - I’m a failure. She’s an idiot. You’re annoying.
Emotional control
- Perfectionists believe they must be in a perfect state of being. I should always feel good. I shouldn’t feel anxious right now.
- We fear that if the uncomfortable emotion continues, we may lose control. To prevent that, we perform hypervigilance of our emotions. If I feel sad and stay sad, I might spiral into depression.
- The hypervigilance funnels into avoidance or defensiveness against the unwanted emotions: suppressing, overworking, excessive exercise to “get rid of” the feeling. The brain learns to pick up the unwanted emotions as a threat.
Behavioral control
- Perfectionism in behavior can look like obsessive planning, categorizing activities or items (such as food) as good or bad, and becoming attached to unrealistic and unhealthy outcomes.
- When our thoughts and emotions feel out of control, we attempt to control our bodies.
- It can also look like having the “right” environment or surroundings, and expressing that through cleaning and organization. Not attaining this leads to anxiety, overwhelm, and restlessness.
- Ironically, perfectionism can actually lead to disorganization and indecisiveness, because we wait for the perfect conditions. This results in avoiding or giving up completely, ultimately becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Finally, perfectionists also seek control via schooling and careers, becoming distressed when life does not go according to plan. This then looks like difficulty delegating because of the fear of letting go of control, and difficulty trusting that other people will do it the “right” way.
Self-worth
- An underlying sense of inadequacy, insecurity, and a deep-rooted belief of not being good enough
- Perfectionism can look like the belief that we need to prove or “earn” our worth through accomplishments. This doesn’t stop at chasing unattainable standards, it also includes hiding our flaws and controlling how other people perceive us.
Fear of failure
- High standards and striving for excellence is healthy. Realistic high standards also includes room for growth, mistakes and failure.
- Unrealistic standards does not accommodate failure. Anything short of flawless is unacceptable. This creates a fixation on mistakes and shortcomings, paired with frustration and anger towards the self when it happens.
- When the failure happens — and it tends to — perfectionists then slip into black-and-white thinking and labeling: all is lost and I am a failure.
- Even if you should attain perfection, it is never sustainable. Constantly pushing to your limit and staying there will create a crash. For this reason, many perfectionists experience burnout.
Procrastination
- When perfectionists reach the point of burnout, they carry their low self-worth and exhaustion from the pressure they have placed on themselves.
- Everything feels overwhelming and unreachable, even the most minor tasks, which leads to avoidance and procrastination.
- Now these beliefs (e.g., I’m a failure, I’m not doing enough) are being reinforced, and they are stuck in the cycle of perfectionism, avoidance or anxiety:
Need for connection
- Status Anxiety (Alain de Botton)
- Brene Brown taught that if we want to feel loved and have a sense of belonging, we need to believe that we are worthy of receiving it. When we think we are not “enough,” this reflects in how we connect with others. When we don’t believe we are worthy as a person, we try to prove that we are through accomplishments. Perfectionists believe that if I show people how much I can accomplish or how “perfect” I can be, they will love and accept me.
Impression Management
- We will start over controlling our behavior to fit what we think people want - “controlling the narrative”
- If I can act how people want me to operate, they will accept me.
Boundaries and people-pleasing
- A focus on pleasing the other person rather than meeting our own needs - If I give and give to others, they will accept and love me.
- This stems from the belief that people will only stay based on what we give them, not who we are. Interpersonal and individual difficulties come from poor boundary setting, including unhealthy/toxic relationships, codependence, burnout, and resentment.
- Fear of the consequences of setting a boundary - “If I set this boundary, they will be disappointed and leave me.”
- We are not responsible for the emotional reaction of the other person who doesn’t accept our boundaries
The Fixer or Peacemaker
- Perfection can manifest as the need to control or fix other people’s emotions.
- We try to fix the problem, help them regulate, or even minimize the other person’s emotions. This comes from an excessive need for everyone to be “okay” and being uncomfortable when they are not.
Attachment style theory
- Many perfectionists have insecure attachment styles, will engage in more people-pleasing behaviors and push past their boundaries, and focus on giving everything to their partner so they will not be abandoned.
- Others may also have avoidant attachment styles. They also fear abandonment but cope by not getting close enough to people to let this happen, become highly critical of others, set unrealistic standards within their relationship, and allow themselves to keep their distance from others. Why would I let someone close to me if they will disappoint me anyway?
Understand:
- Why did this trait of perfectionism develop?
- Target the unhelpful aspects of perfectionism in therapy
Objectives:
- Develop more flexible ways of thinking
- Be able to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and be willing to experience whatever emotion comes up and recognize we cannot control our emotions, only our responses to them.
- Use effective coping strategies to process and regulate our emotions.
- Create a compassionate relationship with yourself
- Learn to be less critical and more loving